Archives for Amusing

Lessons in Investing

Investments – always good to look on with hindsight:

  • If you had purchased £1,000 of shares in Delta Airlines one year ago,   you would have £49.00 today
  • If you had purchased £1,000 of shares in AIG insurance company one year ago, you would have £33.00 today.
  • If you had purchased £1,000 of shares in Lehman Brothers five years ago, you would have nothing today.
  • If you had purchased £1,000 of shares in Northern Rock three years ago, you would have nothing today

But, if you had purchased £1,000 worth of beer one year ago at Tesco’s, drunk all the beer, then taken the aluminium cans to the scrap metal dealer, you would have received £214.00.

Based on the above, the best current investment plan is to drink heavily & recycle.

Further supported by:

A recent study found that the average Briton walks about 900 miles a year.

Another study found that Britons drink, on average, 22 gallons of alcohol a year.

That means that, on average, Britons get about 41 miles to the gallon!

Ah, Facebook. You line ’em up…..

I came across something about Facebook that made me laugh and it inspired me to go ahead and write something I’ve been mulling over for a while now.

Ever since MZ (Mark Zuckerberg) was slated for wearing his hoodie to meetings with investors and the much publicised IPO I’ve been itching to write something but this is a bit of a fail because I’m going to re-post something someone else did.

But first, so what if he wore a hoodie! I’m more interested in what he said in the meetings! But I couldn’t find much about that in the press… Why do they focus on the banal!

I imagined that, if he talks as slick as he did in ‘The Social Network’, the discussions would have been smart, concise and succinct (I know that was scripted ad acted but one wants to believe!).

Personally, at his age he probably thought he was a teensy bit invincible and life was going as well as anybody could have dreamed (what with being a multi-billionaire and about to get married to a very pretty woman).

Oh how the mighty fall! So the share value has plummeted. People are actually suing FB for their losses and where’s MZ? On his honeymoon? Maybe he should sell his holiday snaps to OK?

What a mess.

Personally though I think Facebook advertising has much better ROI than Google and I’ve dropped some Google Adwords in favour of FB ads because the ads are more targeted and the clicks are soO much cheaper!

Still, Facebook, you did it to yourself you did, and that’s why it really hurts…

The following was originally posted here: http://allthingsd.com/20120529/please-give-generously-to-facebook-comic/ (just getting that in so folks know I’m not very good at drawing).

All you need is love, love....

A Simple Explanation of The Basic Monetary System

It is the month of August, on the shores of the Black Sea. It is raining, and the little town looks totally deserted. 

These are tough times, everybody is in debt, and everybody lives on credit.

Suddenly, a rich tourist comes to town.

He enters the only hotel, lays a 100 Euro note on the reception counter, and goes to inspect the rooms upstairs in order to pick one.

The hotel proprietor takes the 100 Euro note and runs to pay his debt to the butcher.

The butcher takes the 100 Euro note, and runs to pay his debt to the pig breeder.

The pig breeder takes the 100 Euro note, and runs to pay his debt to the supplier of his feed and fuel.

The supplier of feed and fuel takes the 100 Euro note and runs to pay his debt to the town’s prostitute that in these hard times, gave her “services” on credit.

The hooker runs to the hotel, and pays off her debt with the 100 Euro note to the hotel proprietor to pay for the rooms that she rented when she brought her clients there.

The hotel proprietor then lays the 100 Euro note back on the counter so that the rich tourist will not suspect anything.

At that moment, the rich tourist comes down after inspecting the rooms, and takes his 100 Euro note, after saying that he did not like any of the rooms, and leaves town.

No one earned anything. However, the whole town is now without debt, and looks to the future with great optimism!

And that, ladies and gentlemen, is how the your Government is doing business today.

Her Majesty’s Revenue & Customs with a sense of humour

This is (apparently) a real reply from the Inland Revenue. Whether it is or not, it’s still entertaining and if everyone was like this at HMRC you could sit and chat for hours!
Dear Mr x,
 
I am writing to you to express our thanks for your more than prompt reply to our latest communication, and also to answer some of the points you raise. I will address them, as ever, in order.
 
Firstly, I must take issue with your description of our last as a “begging letter”. It might perhaps more properly be referred to as a “tax demand”. This is how we at the Inland Revenue have always, for reasons of accuracy, traditionally referred to such documents.
 
Secondly, your frustration at our adding to the “endless stream of crapulent whining and panhandling vomited daily through the letterbox on to the doormat” has been noted. However, whilst I have naturally not seen the other letters to which you refer I would cautiously suggest that their being from “pauper councils,   Lombardy   pirate banking houses and pissant gas-mongerers” might indicate that your decision to “file them next to the toilet in case of emergencies” is at best a little ill-advised. In common with my own organisation, it is unlikely that the senders of these letters do see you as a “lackwit bumpkin” or, come to that, a “sodding charity”. More likely they see you as a citizen of Great Britain , with a responsibility to contribute to the upkeep of the nation as a whole..
 
Which brings me to my next point. Whilst there may be some spirit of truth in your assertion that the taxes you pay “go to shore up the canker-blighted, toppling folly that is the Public Services”, a moment’s rudimentary calculation ought to disabuse you of the notion that the government in any way expects you to “stump up for the whole damned party” yourself. The estimates you provide for the Chancellor’s disbursement of the funds levied by taxation, whilst colourful, are, in fairness, a little off the mark. Less than you seem to imagine is spent on “junkets for Bunterish lickspittles” and “dancing whores” whilst far more than you have accounted for is allocated to, for example, “that box-ticking façade of a university system.”
 
A couple of technical points arising from direct queries
 
1. The reason we don’t simply write “Muggins”on the envelope has to do with the vagaries of the postal system;
 
2. You can rest assured that “sucking the very marrow of those with nothing else to give” has never been considered as a practice because even if the Personal Allowance didn’t render it irrelevant, the sheer medical logistics involved would make it financially unviable.
 
I trust this has helped. In the meantime, whilst I would not in any way wish to influence your decision one way or the other, I ought to point out that even if you did choose to “give the whole foul jamboree up and go and live in   India ” you would still owe us the money.
 
Please send it to us by Friday.
 
Yours sincerely,
 
***
Customer Relations

Man Charged More Than Worlds GDP for Cigarettes

A man from Manchester (New Hampshire) has been charged more than the worlds combined GDP for a packet of cigarettes.

http://uk.news.yahoo.com/5/20090716/tod-man-charged-23-quadrillion-for-pack-870a197.html

It got me thinking, why don’t we all put our combined available credit card balances into one big fund, get the debt insured by AIG and use it to bail out the worlds faltering economies?

Kuti’s Southampton, Bad Singing and a Moldy Cake.

Went out for a meal with some friends for my brother’s birthday last night to Kuti’s in Southampton.

It’s quite a nice Indian restaurant with a good reputation in quite a nice area of the city.

There was champagne, poppadoms and a varied selection of exotic dishes. All in all, a pretty good evening.

Then came the cake…

This was not organised but the restaurant was aware there was a birthday in our party.

The Maitre de, a slim blonde well presented woman approached our table with a microphone and announced to the entire restaurant that there was a birthday celebration taking place followed by a waiter carrying a small cake with a single candle.

The cake was presented to my brother after some more talking into the microphone and then she started to sing….

With a John Travolta, Saturday Night Fever stance she sang happy birthday in a very poor Marilyn Monroe style.

It was comparable to some of the very bad x-factor auditions. Her pitch was sadly all over the place.

Why would you do that? Sing in a restaurant full of people when you can’t really sing? Why haven’t the rest of the staff said anything? It was awful!

Nonetheless, there was cake to compensate. Or at least we thought…

The cake was divided up into very small pieces and passed around.

A few people dived in and started eating but one girl who was just picking at bits found a section of slightly green sponge. On inspection, the base of the cake was riddled with green spots of mould!

Double whammy! A terrible presentation for a moldy birthday cake!

Needless to say further compensation came in the form of a mediocre bottle of wine.

Still, the rest of the food was excellent and the service was very good!

Sir Michael Cained

Following an evening in the company of hedonist Sir Elton John, Sir Michael Caine has compiled an album of his favourite chill-out tracks on a new album entitled ‘Cained.’

http://uk.news.launch.yahoo.com/dyna/article.html?a=/31072007/397/sir-michael-chills-0.html&e=l_news_dm

You can just picture the scene, Sir Michael and Sir Elton having just enjoyed a gourmet feast with some fine wine or perhaps champagne are sitting around in Elton’s plush and luxurious home, savouring some old liquor and maybe making a more ‘rock n roll’ evening of things in the way only A list celebrities know how…

Slightly tipsy and a little bit wayward:-

Sir Michael says, “So Elton, what’s it like making an album? I mean, what’s it REALLLLLYYY like…? Hic!”

Sir Elton: “Well Mick, y’know, in the old days it was intense, but now, it’s all covers and compilations…! s’easy really…! Heck, even you could do it!”

Sir Michael: “Course I could do it! I’m brilliant I am! I can do anyfing I want…!”

Sir Elton: “You know you should! I know this producer, he’ll put it all together for you, all you need to do is come up with a list of songs! Easy peasy!”

Sir Michael: “Ooooooh, now there’s a thought, I could do driving anthems!”

Sir Elton: ” Nooooo, you don’t want to do that! That’s not where the money is! If you want to make a quid or two you want to do a chill-out album! Everyone loves to chill , er, man….”

Sir Michael: “You know that’s a good idea! I like that Moby only I’m not keen on his interior decorator… and some Groove Armada isn’t bad either…”

Sir Michael rubs his chin pensively… “but what would I call it…..”

Sir Elton, who had drifted off into a world of pink cars and candy floss clouds comes back to the conversation… “call what darling?”

Sir Michael: “My album you messy beggar!”

Sir Elton (in a flash of inspiration): “I know! why don’t you do an album of really good ‘come down’ tunes and call it ‘Cained’…..?”

Sir Michael’s eyes roll and as the idea begins to form in his head he sits bolt upright waggling a drunken finger like a limp saber: “that’s brilliant! It’s perfect! ‘Cained’!!

Laughter ensues, drunken phone calls are made to producers, the chill-out compilation submitted by Jade Goody with the provisional title ‘Chill Aaaaat’ gets a quick cover change and presto the CD’s start falling off the production line…

Imagine the hangover…!

Celebrity Gossip – Yawn! – Real Headlines Please!

Just caught a glimpse of an advert for one of the popular UK girlie mags and one of the headlines read something like “Victoria Beckham’s LA Dream Shattered/In Ruins”.

Firstly, with all their wealth, how could those dreams possibly be ruined? I stayed in LA for 10 days and had a good look around and unless you’re silly rich, it’s no different from anywhere else. OK, so it’s hot but what’s new, right?

So what makes it ‘hot news’ just because it’s Victoria Beckham? I mean, apart from marrying David and being a seemingly genuine ‘nice’ person, why is she so special?

So here’s an example of some headlines about normal people that might actually make me buy a magazine:

“Larry Smith Finally Gets That Promotion”

“Local Man Has Epiphany and Seeks Help for Gambling Addiction”

“Mavis 87, Jumps Queue and Celebrates New Hip Early”

“John, Sarah and the Kids Have Family BBQ – Happiest Day of My Life so far says 3 yr Old”

“Poacher Stumbles and Looses Nose in Mole Trap”

“Chavs Promote Clean Britain by Tidying Up Town”

“Mathematicians & Physicists Work Together to Find Extra Hour in Day”

“Standard Door Width Narrowed to Combat Growing Obesity Problem”

“Mobile Phone Released That Never Needs Upgrading”

“Cows Fitted with Carbon Filter Nappies to Combat Global Warming”